Relationships: Love 1
Love is a certain sweetness of your emotion.
-Sadhguru
The experience of love is described as the twinkle of the eyes, butterflies in the belly, the twirl of the spine, or even nervous breakdown. But did you know that love in actuality has nothing to do with the body. The butterflies in your belly is due to a fight-or-flight situation. All your blood rushes to your muscles and your stomach has no blood supply so it only cries for help. Even though the heart is symbolical of love, it is the brain organ doing the act, making some transmissions into your heart... you know, just chemistry. You get the feeling of nervousness, like you are not in control or that of an addict who just inhaled cocaine and just can't help it. I'm not telling you to do cocaine to feel love. But when your spirit and body want to have some fun together, it gives you such feelings as due to that fight/flight situation. So you can agree with me that reason plays a role in falling in love. This also shows that there is relationship between the body parts and one's emotional state, you feel sad, you cry, you're happy, you laugh, you get mad, you fall sick and such.
Opposites may attract, likes may repel. But just remember, when you're connected, all becomes familiar. Couple relationships should be of healthy balance. The reality of it is we are attracted to those who are similar to us; those whom we perceive are very much like us... but better. It is in this 'better' that the connection is formed. I won't therefore agree very much with the word 'opposite' in that manner. People get attracted to those who possess their missing piece, those who would dare to do what they wouldn't have.
When you fail to build what you lack, you seek, which then means the love within you is still incomplete. This is why we see people, with toxic differences. Seeking what you lack and only what you lack does not stem from truth, like, it isn't true love. It is seeking to be toxic, like how'd you want someone cool when you do not even know Keanu Reeves? Also take this instance, Sir happy-go-lucky and Miss stuck-up, or the phlegmatic and the choleric, etc.
Men who go in search for love do not have enough within and have not learned to love and have no right yet to do so and yet they still search for love based on truth, true love, I mean. If anyone were to do that, it should be one who is capable of tolerance and who have love within.
Before you go in search of the one, you must want to spend the rest of your life with yourself first.
But when your weakness is someone else's strength, that is when dependence comes in, you can leave that aspect of your life because they have it when you should be developing yours to also reach that stage. Moreover, when you have just few differences, then you are able to understand each other perfectly. It is very good that your partner should fill your blanks. I understand that most of the time, soulmates are 'polar' opposites. It is this which gives way to deep connections. You really don't really need someone to complete you. You are already complete. You only need someone to accept you completely and regardless; this is now true love. Self love is knowing that you are already complete. Moreover, your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. When you're connected, similar or opposite, everything else becomes familiar. The difference lengthens a relationship, you will soon get fed up when the difference isn't that clear, you do not want to be with you all day and the similarity is what introduces connection and this is why you should date those who are willing to learn.
The people that you fall in love with represent undiscovered qualities in your personality, that is why there is something called connection. Those you get attracted to are a part of you yet to be seen or your mystery. We get attracted to people who have what we have but haven't yet discovered. You recognize the best version of yourself in them or with them around. This is why you miss who you were with them, that feeling you had, with them. And if you use your reason, you become a better person than them afterwards. You evolve because they have taught you to. You have discovered yourself come to realization. Will you not at last say you put more value into that person. Take this instance, when you start admiring someone for their hobbies and appearance sooner or later you'll realize that you have become that person, not because of your admiration but because you always wanted to be like that. That is the attractive force. If we are the same person before and after we loved, that means we haven't loved enough. Looking for love is like begging. You have to be vulnerable because love is of vulnerability. According to Brené Brown,
"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them - we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare."
You can now see that love is not just any simple task and should be taken seriously. Create focus and balance within yourself. You are what you attract. It is until you put in your whole. You have price to pay; help yourself to be helped. In Sadhguru's words, none is exactly made for another. But for me, if you take the right steps on the path of destiny, with focus and clarity, you will always get what you want.
And surprise!🎉
The first and most popular things people see in each other which makes them fall in love is similarity, most especially in attitude or personality. You look at that person and he or she reacts in the same way you would or treat another in the way you would, you see the world in the same way or live in similar location. This actually reminds me of pragma. Other love drives are physical attraction, being sure of the fact that someone really likes you, this could be in the way the person glances at you almost all the time or speaks to you, how they walk or when you are given utmost attention. Another is mystery in a certain person and only you want to figure that out. You may also emote in the same way but have opposite personalities. But take note, when you emote differently but have similar personalities, such relationship may not go farther than friendship or get ready for the bumpy road of trust issues. Maturity is very vital in this case. So in essence, difference or similarity, it all makes no difference whatever.
Before you fall in love, you first admire before you form a connection. The connection is just like an unsettled question and sometimes you do not even want it settled. It is your choice to then stay commited or not before your compatibility is determined. These are all love languages. When you fall in love, its the counterpart's energy or vibe you fall in love with, their personality. It is the presence of the universe within you. Energy transfer leads to emotions and love is actually the combination of all primary emotions such as joy, anticipation, acceptance, fear, surprise, sadness, anger and disgust. Love is connected with empathy, it feels like telepathy. We also start to feel like that person is all that makes the world good. Without them, your life will still exist but that's all it would manage to do. This reminds me of Eros.
So now, I'll go into the type of love called 'Eros'. This romantic love is love for an ideal person. It is equal to love at first sight. Eros is the name of a Greek god, the god of love. He is also the cupid you see on Valentine's day, in charge of the arrow. Eros is no different from fairytale love, some sort of fantasy, like a sublime which people believe to not exist, such is seen in movies and written in books and acted as opposed to reality. This love also relates with Venus, the goddess of love and beauty. It is an appreciation of beauty. It is a desire, a longing. It is often confused with true love. It is what is referred to as infatuation. It is popular amongst young adults today.
This is a physical attraction kind of love. But sometimes we use the body or form to block our spiritual connections and then lose interest. This is why we always want to have that same occurrence of being in love again when love is gone and when you let go, you will see that everything will begin to come back. This brings me to the ludic kind of love. They only get married to divorce. Those are type of people without any sense of self. You should know that you cannot 'be' or 'get' intimate if you are not confident in yourself and that is a fact. You will cheat if you are not committed to anything. There is no commitment here but only conflict. They flirt and love being with as many as possible.
But when you start to get needy, this brings me to another type of love called maniac; it is no different from a mental disorder. Such people increasing their self esteem by decreasing partner's confidence because they always need to be rescued. They either need a knight in shining armor or wait for the love of their lives to come and rescue them from nothing in particular. You just want someone to make your life feel better or for other selfish reasons. For them, marriage is ownership. They seek love to fill their emptiness. This love does not also last and is not true. These are the group of people that make ludic love exist. Most times, they do not really make connections, it's just like a transaction. They possess highest form of jealousy. They have a 'without you I am nothing' mentality and 'to get something for you, I will forsake my needs and you must do same for me' mentality. It is a give-take relationship, a survival relationship. Such kind of people take how people see them very important and make good image for themselves, just to get this love. They mostly have hidden trauma and are the ones who go in search for love.
When we get attached, we start to see the person as an object which by all means should not be taken away from us. We start to get jealous. Although it is the spice of love, too much seasoning is not good. Jealousy is due to fear which is in turn, associated with interest. Honesty with both yourself and your partner helps to overcome jealousy. Without trust, true love can become maniac. We draw attention away from ourselves and put all energy on them. And very soon, all those feelings begin to wither and we start to withdraw. We start being so obsessive of that person, while we do not want that vibe to go away. So we start handling the person as a tool, we own the person.
Trust is the basis of the love called storge. Infidelity is less likely to happen. There is respect and understanding. Such kind of relationship is today's reality and type of love expected for marriage today. It is like that of the parents, the generation of the rabbit, the goat or the dog based on my knowledge of them and based on the Chinese zodiac signs, which I recently found out, more broad and original than the western zodiac, it has at least, made me realize why the friends of my own friends aren't my friends, no matter how nice I get, the connection is just not there, you'll also get this. In groups of my equals, I found out why I get attached to the elder ones, both genders, very specially, all of the time and I also found out why friendship is not something I'll be great in, no wonder I did not or just didn't feel like including philia here, the friendship kind of love. Storge is just enough.
And then, I'll just like to include this, it also made me realize why, in all sets, and of all sets, there is no generation I've consciously witnessed now, apart from the popular zodiacs of the Chinese, after I was born, which is more interesting, wanted and most rebellious and magnetic, with best teacher - student, coordinator - learner, boss - worker relationships. I see the difference, no opposing or misleading, with equal minds, like friendship, the philia type of love. Things are not done differently but together. One opposes, the others do. It's platonic, with no such thing as physical attraction. There is sharing and sacrificing. So that is just it for me. I love them all when together but individually, it could be a case most of the time. That one is just a problem of mine, my Venus complicates matters. Don't mind me, I just get melancholic sometimes.
In this relationship, they could break up but still remain friends. There is no such thing as lovers hate greater than love. This love is just natural and not seen in just lovers but amongst family too. If you have the same kind of love , you are likely to last long together. The Eros, ludic and storge are just primary types. There is divorce today because a lot of people do not really know who they agree to marry and mostly because they do not even know who they are themselves. They only get married because they have to and because they have had enough dates and known their parents and because they were created to reproduce and of course because they 'love' however way it comes. But marriage has to be done anyways right? It does not matter, if you marry the right one, it's good fortune and when you marry the wrong one, you may become a philosopher, who knows. It all makes no difference.
Practical love is no different from an arranged marriage. They want the relationship to make sense both to them and the world. They look for similar name, similar interests, similar culture and background and think, similarity between lover and family, certain behaviours, of what use you can be for them. The love stops as the behaviour stops. Such kind of love could be found in colonial times and if it's found today, then it's the Augustans which I discussed about. The foundation is research. They rush to do everything. It is like a scripted relationship and why will you not get bored. There is no authenticity and it is just like a sort of consistency with nothing to learn.
The only love not earned is the unconditional love called agape. It is love despite flaws and weaknesses. It is selfless and lies in patience. It is acceptance. Agape love is God's kind, spiritual and free. You're happy to be around them, enjoy with their soul, deeply crave for the connection and not lust. God's love is unconditional, yet you cringe when mere mortal leaves you, really? You know there'd be bad days, you do not compare them to others because you know everyone is equal but there is only one version of them.
You be with someone who makes you aware of your inner beauty, someone who'd motivate you to be the best version of yourself, someone who is being the best he or she can be, someone who'd make you tap into your highest self and you'd never be the same just because those who really fall in love never remain the same, someone with whom you'd be human, someone who is a reflection of God. You do not see caring for him or her as responsibility but rather, what makes you happy. You can only give love unconditional if you already have enough for yourself. Heal yourself first. You can only know someone else as much as you have known yourself. When you have real love, you'll keep the love even after separation.
This love is an uncommon kind, just because in life, when we are good, they commend us, when in bad conditions, we have no friends. People appreciate the false. But I tell you, the goal is not to be liked. Your imperfections only serve to bring out your perfections and make you feel complete. God's love has made you whole so you love yourself because you are complete and enough.
1 Cor 13: 13
And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
This is the self-sacrificing type of love, like the opposite of mania but this love also does not mean you become a receptor of toxicity. In all you do, never accept toxicity or cater to toxicity. You may want to die for one to stay alive, but it is not forceful like maniac. It's free.
Self love is having healthy boundaries. Boundaries help to grow relationships and make you serious with one another. In life, have principles, that's also wisdom. Real love is when those boundaries are respected. In love, there is wisdom and all types of wisdom as given in previous write-ups, are applied. You do not want to tolerate foolishness, love is not all that blind. It's not like you just want full access to someone's light without taking time to access one's darkness. Accept both virtues and shortcomings. This love is tolerant, it is kind, it does not envy, it is not prideful and does not show off, it is not easily provoked and it exists in truth. It bears all, believes all, hopes all and endures all. This love never fails and will never fail and if it does, it is not the love but the people involved. Also, when you accept their shortcomings, you will be accepted by God.
It doesn't take much to find some positive out of anything; but the real challenge is to accept and embrace the darkness; the struggles; the negatives outnumbering the positives and coming out of the comfort zone to act on it, to bring about the change and the much needed revolution; for how could you taste the meaningful light without the embraced wisdom of darkness?
- Kuhu G.
This love here is like love between mother and child. The child would give you nothing. But surely the mother would offend the child in some way and vice versa but they are still mother and child. Love is an endless act of forgiveness. It is giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me. Love is not stubborn. And as Brown Brené writes, she concludes that love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare. When it is pure love, these wounds are rare and love is in its true form. and when it is otherwise, then something is not right. There is no need for validation either. This love does not have to do with your emotions, it's just freewill and being human.
I saw that agape was defined as "the steady intention of will to another's highest good."
You must reach some level of greatness before you can find love to thereafter think it is what you are that made them attracted to you. When it comes to this then something is wrong. Who do you think you are? Once your mind is not pure, your love cannot be pure. The love within you is open, this is when you feel love. If you have not found the love within yourself, love cannot find you. I have seen such pure love, when you do things for each other without (should I use the word, 'thinking'?) or doubting. You just do it as it comes because you cannot just control it. It is that spiritual connection that is in control now.
And going back to the concept of love generally, you just never know it is the love within you that you experience and the other person is just a channel, same way children become channels. It can be anyone but this is not just anybody. That person is that 'pure' channel or mirror whom you can have that great connection with. That person is your soul partner. That person is the love of your life. So this is why you should fall in love. If you have never had a crush or really liked someone, then it's either you are the problem which means another beauty and the beast fantasy is about to come to fame or it means that the people around you are the problem.
When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them.
- Brené Brown
Give yourself enough in order to give to another. With them, you feel great that you do not want to stop feeling that way. That moment becomes a very powerful, sweet moment. It could be one best moments of your life and you want to hold onto it. This is a proof that we also need each other. You are alive for the sake of another, whomever they are. Without that person, you may not feel that way. This is why we need connection, to avoid loneliness. Like Sadhguru says, love needs to be in the air too, not just inside. You think you love the person that much meanwhile it's just your sweetest self in the person, at times you do not miss that person in particular when they go but who you were with them, how you felt with them. This is why you should love your own self for that side of you to develop or you feel depressed without any sense of self and all your life depends on that one person. We are the ones responsible for our own lives.
When we start to think, we want fat. Because our parents are tall, it's what we prefer. As well do this too much, we begin to get tired and start to see tiny disfigurements, body, mood, personality, this is equal to blocking that channel, that channel from which pure love comes. When we always need to see them every night and day, it's ruining that connection. The energy is not there anymore. When they get angry because you changed after they 'studied' you as they do, imagine, when you aren't a course of study, then they did not fall in love with the real you and there was even no connection, talk less of knowledge of you. You only have to keep knowing each other as human because a human keeps changing, you cannot graduate.
Pragma or practical, maniac and agape are all secondary love styles. When married, Eros is a good thing. In fact, if there is no Eros, then something is wrong. So I'm not telling you to not go the Eros way or the storge way or the practical way or even the maniac or ludic, I'm only telling you that the basis of eternal relationships is authenticity, no matter how it comes. It's just pure love, which can even be a combination of the others, most especially storge, Eros and philia but the spiritual connection is there. So eternal relationships are not only based on "I love you." Do you really? Are you willing to do something for another's highest good. So you think of it, have you ever felt pure love for someone, someone who is not related to you in any way.
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